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THE SELF-POISONER: PATTERNS OF SELF-INDUCED TOXICITY - APPROVALITIS - WALLY'S CASE HISTORY

This other-oriented pattern of behavior detours the person away from personal growth and an increasing sense of identity. The victim of approvalitis loses the power to regulate his well-being and self-esteem. He impedes his spontaneous self and his search for satisfaction and growth by "psychic stop lights" which he creates in the form of powerful others who might object to his attempts at self-determination. He subjugates himself to a pattern of behavior reflecting the identity and needs of other people instead of his own. He poisons himself with the haunting possibility that someone else might not approve of his actions—a concept he feels would be catastrophic.

Wally lived his life like a politician seeking votes. His creed was: "If you can't say something nice and pleasant, don't say anything at all." When someone spoke to him, he smiled automatically, while continuously nodding his head as if in agreement with whatever was being said. In his social life, he rarely said no to an invitation and generally could be expected to go along with the crowd. Consequently, his friends developed a habit of informing him of their plans assuming that he would be his agreeable self—which he always was.

At the office, he was affectionately nicknamed "Smiley." His willingness to be helpful and to please seemed unlimited. He was easily manipulated by his fellow employees. A pat on the back was all he needed.

His behavior in the privacy of his home was quite a different matter. There he behaved like a bully. He dominated his wife and children and severely criticized them at the slightest provocation. No one outside his home would have believed that this was the same man they worked

Wally needed to discover his own antidotes by realizing that allowing himself to be taken for granted by playing "doormat" or "nice guy" remedied nothing. By ignoring his own integrity (self-respect) and encouraging others to freely dump their demands on him, he continued to be a self-poisoner.

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